Jennifer Fonseca | Transforming Your Relationships

Tell Him What is in His Heart

I saw his heart before I saw how handsome he was. Sound cliché? Maybe, but it's the truth. He found me at the local Publix grocery store. I was wearing my hair back, unattractively but functionally perfect, with hot pink spandex shorts and an oversized and over worn sorority tee shirt. Mr. Smooth, was wearing a cut off tee, and donning the Puerto Rican flag as a do rag on his head. Folks, I was always one to attract the wierdos and that August day was no exception. His smooth lines got him a first date, then a second and a third. . .10 months in and I called it kaputs. A year goes by and I receive a voicemail message full of contrition and my heart still swooning. Needless to say his charm once again held me captive. He proposed in Central Park (NYC) during the Puerto Rican Day parade (a total coincidence) and 3.5 months later we tied the knot. That's the very abbreviated version – if you want the full story, call me J

What keeps me saying "I do" everyday and even on the days when my mind is saying "I don't" is his heart. I know him for the man that he is and the man he is becoming. Who is this man? What do I see in his heart, well let me share with you a short list:

• Brave
• Ambitious
• Self Starter/Motivated
• Righteous
• Bold
• Extravagant
• Big-hearted
• Intelligent/self learner
• Creative
• Loving
• Compassionate

These are some of the things I saw in him when we first got to know one another, and the things I call to mind when I am angry with him. These qualities are resident within his heart. Every man has good qualities/characteristics within him – you may have to dig deep some days sisters, but find them and call your man these things. I am reading Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere, and one of the things she points out is that the Enemy of our soul often goes through women to get to men. Hmmm, doesn't this sound familiar Eve?

During the break up with my husband (boyfriend, at the time) I never stopped believing in his goodness. I would walk past his house (we lived in the same community) and pray for him and bless him. Out of our mouth comes cursing or blessing, so why not choose to bless?* If women would stop nagging so much (I'm preaching to myself here too girls), stop criticizing, disrespecting and degrading our men we could start a revolution. Perhaps some of us are the culpable party for why our relationships are in shambles. So, take some time today and tell your partner what you see in his heart. Begin or continue to awaken with him the man who God created him to be.

*This blog is not suggesting that women in abusive (physically, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise) relationships should remain. Seek professional counsel and ask God to guide you.

 

 

Inner Conflict

I was watching "A Minute with Maxwell" video, where John Maxwell shares with me (alrigh,t and a bunch of other subscribers) a one minute leadership lesson. Today's lesson was on conflict. In about 60 seconds he confirmed what I already knew: conflict exits, learn to live with it. Although he focused on the conflict we experience with others, what resonated more with me is the fact I often have conflict with myself: over what I believe, between my wants and needs, over how to use my time, whether to self publish or seek a traditional publisher. Every day I have a tennis match with myself over something.

John Maxwell reminded me a bit of my dad – he was a truth sayer, always told it like it was, no sugar coating. As much as I would like inner resolution John's video made me think, perhaps the process of going through conflict – with myself or others – is part of what makes us better people. I can think of two stories in nature that illustrate this:

The Great Barrier Reef – the reason it is one of the world's greatest reefs providing a home to vibrant, majestic and visually stimulating sea creatures and coral is because of the constant conflict it faces from the turbulence of the sea. Without having to adapt to its environment, the reef would not be as glorious as it is. The second story was told by Joel Osteen. He told how groups of commercial fisherman were losing revenue when the fish they were bringing back to port lost their flavor due to the length of time it took to catch the fish and bring it back to port. During the journey from sea to dock the fish would become inactive leaving them with little taste for the consumer. The solution: freeze the fish once they were caught. Retailers didn't like this solution because fresh fish tastes much better than frozen. The fishermen decided to try another tactic – add a single predator to the onboard fish tank. The result: the fish remained active during the long journey from sea to land, and consequently retained not only freshness but flavor when sold to the consumer.

Maybe a little inner conflict is good for the soul after all.

A Disney Life

In my utopian world I would be welcomed with smiles and confetti upon entering every room. Every cast member in my personal and professional life would make it their responsibility to create an idyllic day, every day. There would be no complaining. All options would be wonderful. And dreams come true. (Pop!)

I think my utopian bubble was first burst when I was 10 years old. My father taught me a universal truth: Life isn't fair. I didn't believe him, and kept searching for the land over the rainbows. In high school I found Disney World. Colors, candy, and Christmas were year round. But, the vacation ended and I was left to wander back to my life of homework, heartbreaks and bad hair days.

It was my late 20's and early 30's when life's cocktail allowed me to hope that the life of Disney could be every day. Prozac gave me super powers. A new boyfriend turned my pastel world into a tie dye of primary colors. I seriously remember a day when I looked at the sky and it was transformed from boring to brilliant blue and grass, it wasn't just grass anymore it was emerald strands of lushness. I was in luuuuv.

And then the second Great Awakening came . . .

My then boyfriend told me after a not so exciting date, "Every night can't be Disney World." What a letdown. I had till then hoped that perhaps one day everything would magically line up and my life would be the Life of Disney every day. Maybe I set my expectations too high. I was thinking about this last night. The realistic boyfriend is now husband, and last night we were talking about my picture book world. While he tied the weighted string to my balloon, I was still secretly hoping that somewhere out there – the dream that I dare to dream might really come true. After all, every day there is a parade at Disney, and every night there are fireworks.

So I started to think about this. Are my expectations too high? Do I long for things that only exist in story books? (Dream career, never having to look at price tags, for prince charming to be charming all the time, a cleaning lady.) Or perhaps I am too busy reading picture books written by someone else and hoping that its illustrator would come and transform my life. Maybe God is waiting for me to put down the books and pick up a pen and my own set of Crayola's to author and illustrate the world I want, to take responsibility for the things I don't like in my life. Or maybe I need to be grateful for the life I have, to be content.

Hold on . . .this post is way too first person, and I know you are nodding your head thinking about the advice you would give me. Well, "mirror, mirror on the wall. . ." what about you? I am not the only one who isn't whistling while I work.

 

Somewhere in Between

Ahhh. The house is quiet. Spousal unit has left for the day; the dogs are still at the "doggie spa" (the kennel, but it makes me feel better to call it something more pampering) and I am alone in the island of my home. Ahhh. We returned yesterday from our long weekend away. This morning I'm not managing high maintenance dogs, and despite waitressing to the high maintenance husband, all is quiet in the house.

There is a part of me that wants to sit back and soak up the peace and solitude. To rest in the temporary lapse of responsibility. And yet in the background as I type, the clicking of an unbalanced fan keeps beat with the clanking of zippers tossing around in the dryer. Dishes are waiting in the sink for those in the dishwasher to move to their next queue.

I am caught in between wanting to float in the open waters of no accountability and the life of responsibility. Part of me misses the barking over nonsense and smoochie faces beckoning me to play fetch or tug. A smidgen of me likes when my life partner calls interrupting my all important blogging in order for me to do a favor for him. While I often crave those moments of serenity when it is just me and time hanging out together, I'm not sure I would trade the constant poking of my life's duties to have more of her.

There is emptiness, a sense of loss when the undertakings of my life have been dispersed elsewhere. So I will revel in the few moments of "Ahhh" which are given to me, and tuck them away for the next time. I breathe in the last of my vacation, shoulders rising and falling with the cadence of my breath, while packing up my purse. It is time to pick up the pups.

If Life Sucks - Change

Yesterday someone said to me, "I let them go out to eat and I went and got drunk. . .then I fell asleep in my car. I'm not kidding. My life is miserable." To which I replied, "You could always just shoot yourself."

Before you judge me on my response – the context of the relationship I have with this person assumes permission to be sarcastic. What's the point of existing under black clouds? Look, life isn't all sunflowers and fragrant roses in my garden, but I am working at picking out the weeds in my life and sucking up the rest. We all have a choice and one shot to live this life – so why choose (and yes, it is a choice) to live miserably?

While I agree that some circumstances are unavoidable we always have the option of how we respond. Look, I'm not thrilled with some of the things in my life currently, but yesterday I tried this:

Being grateful

Choosing to find way to add value to others – even the people I don't enjoy

Smiling

It is amazing how those three things help turn things around. Nothing in my circumstances really changed, but my inner atmosphere did. I was more at peace. By practicing gratitude, my focus remained on things that were positive in my life. By finding ways to value those who grate my nerves, I was able to exhibit greater patience and tolerance. And smiling – well, I coach folks to smile before answering their phone (for business interviews or while on the job) because it causes you to be more upbeat and friendly during the conversation. Don't believe me? Try it.

When your life is in need of a good weed whacking – stop staring at the overgrowth. Either get you a new garden or put on your overalls and start trimming your attitude.

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." (Philippians 4:8,9 The Message)