We have all walked into a room and entered into the middle of someone else's conversation. Sometimes we are able to jump right in and offer appropriate commentary and other times we end up sticking a random body part in our mouth. However, have you ever walked into a room and found yourself in the middle of a battle you knew nothing about? That happened to me this past Friday.
Assuming my usual duties, I walked up to a co-worker, squatted down so as not to tower over and politely asked, "may I interrupt you for a moment?" In order to complete my task with the extraordinary amount of detail my boss requires, I needed some additional information from the only individual who would have it. Despite my non-threatening approach, I was rattled with: "WHAT????" Eyes bulging, face shriveled like a Shar Pei, he snapped at me again, "GO ASK SHARON!"
Having been yelled at, I could have reacted in a number of ways:
- Yell back.
- Say something sarcastic back.
- Walk away.
I opted for a combo of #2 and 3 – I said, "Okayyyyyy," and slipped away contemplating how I wanted to respond. Two little bubbles popped up over each of my shoulders. One used four letter words and exclamation points, the other searched for a professional and grace filled response. After looking over each shoulder I realized my co-worker had not been speaking to me. While he was clearly angry, his frustration was wrongly re-directed onto me and not to the real source of his displeasure. Knowing this was the case, it made it easier for me to not lash back with equal force. Using a modicum of wisdom here is what I decided to do:
Wait.
Addressing the inappropriateness of my co-worker at that moment would serve to further incite his ill feelings. You don't talk to someone who is drunk about getting sober when they are full of booze; and while a person is in the midst of erupting their personal lava, just stay clear or be prepared to get burnt. Having cooled down a bit myself from the heat I experienced, I have constructed and practiced the following: "I am sorry about whatever caused you to be angry and frustrated last week, but the manner in which you addressed me was inappropriate and I will not allow you to speak like that to me."
I won't point fingers.
I will be unemotional.
I will do this privately.
This behavior needs to be addressed, but it also needs to be done in a manner that doesn't injure or offend the other person. It allows me to respond in a non-threatening manner, protecting the relationship and setting a clear boundary. The focus is on the person's behavior, and how it affects me. It allows me to empathize while also establishing how I expect to be treated in similar situations in the future. Who knows how the other person will react/respond, but as I say, I'm only responsible for keeping my side of the street clean.
So, next time you happen in on someone else's battlefield – consider opting out of the war. It isn't yours anyways.
