Jennifer Fonseca | Transforming Your Relationships

Staycation

I really needed a getaway. My search on Groupon and other discount sites didn't produce the needed savings I had hoped for. After adding up the cost for boarding the pups, gas, eating out, hotel (even checking hotwire, hotels.com, AAA) our getaway was halfway to a thousand dollars--and accounted for only a short weekend. No thanks. With family making an 18 hour journey south to visit us in the next two months, we opted for an alternative. To feel as if we enjoying the benefits of a romantic randesvous we agreed to a few rules, which I highly recommend if you are embarking on a staycation yourself: 1. I do not have to cook. Order out, eat out. Find inexpensive places we haven't been to before but had good reviews. We elected to try a place 30 minutes south of us. Benny's on the Beach. WOW! Normally we wouldn't drive that far for a meal, but we were on staycation! And man was it good. Nicholas offered to take me to the Brazilian Court on Palm Beach, but I was hunkering to try this right on the beach, breakfast with bragging rights joint. 2. We don't have to make the bed. While we didn't have a maid cleaning our room, adding a fresh soap bar or making our bed each day, we didn't obligate ourselves to picking up, straightening up or even getting up by a certain time. Although I like getting into a freshly made bed, I was on staycation. 3. No work! Part of why we pack and go is to remover ourselves from the distractions: laundry, dishes, piles, schedules. . . . So I used my phone to send happy texts, not follow up calls and emails. I'm sure the pics I sent of us at the beach to my family freezing in the northern spheres was much appreciated. It felt good to give ourselves permission to not be productive unto anything other than relaxing, after all, we were on staycation. We had an amazing time We leisured about, found new adventures and saved money. I believe it's been over 4 years since we have been to the beach together, and we only live 20 minutes from it. Strolling around on south Palm Beach, enjoying a local green market, playing with our dogs, revelling in the beauty of our newly bloomed orchids. . .it was an altogether wonderful staycation.

Switching to Plan B

Yesterday I was motivated. I had a plan. Of course I didn't calculate into my day the 4AM wake up by my rescue dog. So instead of waking up at 6 AM to be at the gym by 7:00 and then off to Panera Bread to write and send a blog post by 9 AM, here I am at 10:21 trying to reorganize my carefully planned out day. I had errands I needed to run:

Office Max – get packing tape and search for a box to mail the enormous book I sold on eBay (Yea! My first item.)

Post office – express mail documents for my employer; mail the book I sold on eBay

Blog – write a post, start a new blog on WordPress

Edit, Edit, Edit & Write – stick with the plan and priority of getting my book published. Only 20,000 words to go!

Panera Bread – get breakfast, enjoy a fantastic cup of bold coffee, check emails, write those query letters to literary agents.

Friends – text Wendy and see if she can meet you at Panera to work alongside you for motivation and friendship catching up!

Costco – pick up smoked salmon for spousal unit and find a pair of tennis shoes that don't have holes in them so I don't look ridiculous at the gym.

Gym – yes, get there and work my booty off, or at least get some cardio and weight lifting done.

Turns out my dog is sick, with who knows what, but symptoms of vomiting and yellow/green mucus coming out of her eyes. My husband says, "And you want kids?" I'll admit, I do kind of enjoy their needy-ness when they don't feel well. I love snuggle time with my dogs. However, today, that was not in the plan.

The agenda was carefully laid out in my head. I even got my husband to agree to make his own breakfast. At quarter to seven this morning, I was still in bed. I thought it out. . .do I really need to go to the gym? What can I drop of the balls I need to juggle today? Can I still fit it all in my day?

I wasn't really happy about having to change over to Plan B. I really liked my Plan A, especially since it takes a lot of effort for me to plan anything in the first place. But here's what I learned:

• Rigidity doesn't solve problems, it only makes them worse.
• Plan B isn't worse than Plan A – it is just different.
• My dad was right: life isn't fair.

So here I go with my Plan B. If I get angry or frustrated over the foiling of my well laid out plans of yesterday, I waste precious time and energy. So I accept that life is subject to change, remain flexible and see if maybe what today holds for me is really better than what I could came up with in the first place.

In her heart a woman plans her course, but the Lord determines her steps! (Proverbs 16:9)

Heart Broken

I will admit it. I watched it. I watched all of it. I even cried through it.  Some sappy chick flick? No.  I sat through Whitney Houston’s funeral. Along with millions of other fans around the world, my TV tuned in to celebrate her home going.

I know some say, what a waste. Others blame Bobby Brown. We all have opinions.

I sobbed like a baby.  God’s presence was tangible at her service.  I could feel Him in my living room as family and friends said their peace and paid tribute to this amazingly talented woman.  What caught me off guard was the still small voice of God speaking to me.  He said, “I couldn’t have loved her any more than I did.”

For those not accustomed to hearing from God—it was not a loud, audible voice—it was a whisper in the conscious thoughts of my mind, which I know I did not produce.  My heart was breaking because I grew up on her music.  She had magnificent talent.  In my 30’s and 40’s I watched bunches of American Idol contestants attempt to sing her songs, only to have the judges remind them, no one can sing it as well as Whitney.

She was iconic.  Again the voice, “I couldn’t love her anymore than I did.”  Person after person testified to Whitney’s love of God and the Word of God.  I could (and as I type this still can) feel the tightness in my chest thinking how awful addiction is.  It lies to us, telling us it’s lie is more true than God’s truth. I was angry. How had the words this pop star read in the Bible and quoted often to her friends (their testimony, not my assumption) not rooted itself enough to displace the lies, deception and destruction of addiction?

And yet, God loved this woman with all that He had.  Then His voice spoke to me again saying, “My heart breaks over things like this.” I paused in my Spirit and asked God, “What do I do that breaks your heart?” 

We can all look at Whitney Houston and in a cavalier fashion say, she should have made better choices, she shouldn’t have done this or that. . .but it is not for us to judge.  We are each accountable for our own actions. 

For me, watching her funeral I came to three conclusions:

1.  God loves each of us with a force and passion greater than we can comprehend.
2. God loves us with the same intensity, even in the midst of our greatest mistakes.
3. God’s heart breaks when we have trouble allowing His Truth to be truer than the things which bind and blind us.

My resolve: To practice receiving God’s immense love for me and to more exhaustively examine my own heart and ways, knowing that every day I too break His heart.

Water to My Soul

Ever feel like you are a plant wanting to be green and tall, but feeling brownish in the dry soil of your life?  Every once in a while you enjoy a nice sprinkle and soak up all the nourishment.   Yesterday I enjoyed some watering of my own soul.

I’m up in my home state of Ohio, on a quick trip to surprise my sister for her 40^th birthday.  Not wanting to ruin the surprise and arriving a day earlier than the party, I stayed with some friends.  Wow!  So good to see Matt and Angie (and Nathan & Jay).  Ang and I embraced and began our verbal marathon together.  Of course Nathan said, “Do you guys always talk so much?”  LOL, “YES!” we replied in unison. 

We gushed over losses, caught up on stories and talked about what God was doing and saying in our lives.  It was refreshing to listen to Angie shower words of life into me.  Matt would pop in once in a while to ask questions or challenge me on my beliefs.  I need friends like this in my life.  Ones that won’t always agree with me.  Those who are willing to challenge me on my values and decisions.  People who will reserve judgment, yet offer warnings when I veer across the solid yellow line. 

Then it was my turn.  Angie shared about a painful situation she is going through.  I offered advice and then remembered what my dear friend Sandy, founder of Women at Rest Ministries counseled me once,  “Women can share, vent or gossip about their problems, but I don’t have the answer to their problems, but I know the One who does.”  So I opted to stop offering platitudes, theories and conciliatory responses and instead offered to just pray for her and this situation.  It was a sweet time and the tears were water to both our souls.  The situation didn’t change – we are both in the same pot we were in before, but our roots went a little deeper and got the hydration we both needed.  Thanks Ang!

Progress Not Perfection

Sometimes I love the idea of blogging better than blogging.  As a result I don’t make the time to sit and type out my thoughts and ideas.  I actually really enjoy writing, but for some reason have not made it a priority to set aside time to do this.  I miss conversing with you about our lives and the things we struggle with. 

Forgive me for not being consistent.  I seem to be consistently inconsistent—a total character flaw of mine I continue to work through.  When I examine myself and ask, “why am I like this?”  I realize it is because I allow perfection to be an obstacle to my progress.

I’ll give you an example:  I decided I wanted to start a discussion group with college/career age women.  Ideas were pin balling around my mind.  Really good ideas.  I thought I’ll start with a java with jen session:  coffee, made from scratch breakfast treats (scones, quiche, muffins, biscotti), fruit. . .the whole works.  Of course before I even hit the grocery store my mind was exhausted thinking about baking all these goodies, let alone decorating and cleaning my house.  Then there was the invitation; I wanted something clever and cute.  Again, more time was eating away at my schedule. 

Since I could not find a way to make a Martha Stewart proud gathering come together, I simply did not have one at all.  My perfection stopped my progress in my tracks.  BUT, I caught myself.  So, instead, I sent a few last minute text messages.  Picked up goodies courtesy of Publix, and set up my own shabby chic spread.  Out of the 12 girls I invited over only two came.  Was it a flop?  Nope!  It was progress.

Activity generates momentum.  It was a small step toward greater things.  In fact, despite wanting to make perfectly cute invitations to the next event (a free etiquette seminar by Jacqueline Whitmore http://etiquetteexpert.com/) I opted for paper print outs with a handwritten RSVP.  So far I have four confirmed coming—that is double the number of my first event.  Okay, so I started with two and now I have four; the point is I started!

So tell me, what are you doing to achieve progress instead of perfection?

 

 

There is Something About Mary II

I have a confession to make: I love Christmas!  My senses are fully engaged.  Cinnamon and cloves mull around cider, while deep reds, golds and brilliant white lights wrap around pine needles.  Satin ribbons and colored papers slip through my hands as I attempt to wrap gifts (sorry Martha, I haven’t figured out how to get my corners perfectly square yet).  All the while the familiar bell tones announce Christmas is approaching.  My mobile phone announces it frequently throughout the day as it is now the default ring tone for all incoming calls.    Although I do love this season I have gotten caught up in the commercialism and hype of a holiday gone hijacked.

In order to put things back in perspective I went back to the old book, flipped through the tissue paper thin pages and re-read the account of old.  Go back with me to that wonderful story. . . .when the firmament was filled with all its glory; a time when angels whispered things foretold. . .treasured promises for Mary to hold. . . .

Because friends, there is just something about Mary!

We’ve read the story of the birth of Jesus bunches of times, but this time, for me, what captured my attention was Mary.  I felt connected to her, yet longed to be more like her.  Having just finished the study Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere, I’ve felt newly empowered to “wake up and change my world” one blog at a time.  This empowerment is rising within me and yet lacks some of the helium it needs to get off the ground.  But in reading the Christmas story, I felt a renewed sense of confidence because there is just something about Mary.

Luke 1:26-45 tells it all; I’m just going to give you the highlights.  An angel whispered to Mary she is the one to carry the Christ.  Mary isn’t quite sure how that is going to work out, and the angel responds, “Nothing is impossible with God.”  Full of faith Mary responds, “May it be to me as you have said.”  Wow, exactly the response I would have given, NOT!  I continued reading about Mary’s family visit to her cousin, who is elated by the news of Mary’s unexpected pregnancy (again not the response most get when dropping the bomb of an unexpected arrival), “Mary, blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.”

Before I can get to the part about kings, presents, stars and the baby—I am arrested by the words and meaning on the pages. . . because there is just something about Mary.

She believed.

In the Greek the word believed is Pisteuo, which means to place confidence, think to be true, be persuaded, place confidence in.  It is found many times in the New Testament and often in association with miracles.  To be more accurate, it is a characteristic of the person who benefitted by the miracle. I pondered this:  because Mary believed, she conceived.

Everything hinged on Mary’s belief.

Think of the ramifications had Mary not believed.  What if she said to the angel, “Look isn’t there some other virgin you can embarrass with an unplanned pregnancy?”  Or, “Look, I’m really flattered, but I am soooo busy planning a wedding, and just don’t think I can handle another thing on my to do list.” Had she dismissed the angel’s pronouncement who would be blessed among women?  Would there have been a savior’s birth?

While you ponder those things, I’m going to type out the next installment of this blog and try to answer the question:   If there is something about Mary, how do we get that something so we can give birth to the dreams angels have whispered to us?

 

 

Playing Your Part - Everything Hinges on It

I’m one of those sentimental types who enjoys all the festiveness of the holiday season.  Lights, ribbons, candles, mulled cider (with a kick), metallic colors, re-made versions of the classic holiday songs.  It’s a carnival of wonder.

Last night after gazing at light displays we saw the newest holiday movie Hugo.  The theme:  everyone and everything has a purpose, and we feel unfulfilled when our dreams are dashed and our purpose has been lost.  The message was re-affirmed today as I read the first chapter in Jonathan D. Benz’s new book, Living a Legacy, “This year, how many people’s success hinges on your breakthrough?  Could your success determine the success of others around you?” 

I pondered that today as my manuscript remains embedded on my laptop and not in the hands of a publisher.  I thought about how I dread my husband leaving for Haiti, yet how can I begrudge him when each time he goes more progress is made?  If I don’t send, empower and support him in his efforts—how many people in the city of Gonaives will lose out on fulfilling their purpose because Nicholas has not fulfilled his?  Wow, that feels pretty weighty on me. 

 I play a backstage role to his work in Haiti, and if you know me, you know I like the stage, the camera, the screen.  It’s not totally in my nature to play the pillar in the palace.  Yet this supportive role is key to the success of our work there.  Yes, of course I know I have a purpose larger than just this, however, realizing that holding my husband back from fulfilling his purpose, begrudging him for leaving me for weeks on end, has a set of consequences.  The least of which would be a great sadness which would come over him.

During the movie, I noticed a few times my husband respond emotionally.  God was speaking to him through the script, affirming his role and giving him greater revelation of the work he is doing.  God painted a picture for Nicholas greater than he could have dreamed.  It moved me.

Each of the characters in this movie revealed they were in different stages of realizing his/her purpose:  searching for it, mourning the loss of it, discovering it for the first time, resurrecting it or living it out without even knowing it fully.  During this holiday season, while our senses are engaged, let us also connect to the deep of the Spirit to discover, reignite, or live out our purpose.  Just think, if One did not take the Via Dolorosa, where would we be?

God of the Valley

Some people cry out to God when things are not going well.  Desperate for relief they pray, go to church or scan the Christian book aisle for answers.  Not me.  Nope, when times are good I lift my eyes and arms, I sing and my heart desires to snuggle up with God for a good word.  When my life seems to be going sideward’s, loop de loop or in the opposite direction of where I think it ought to be going, I snub my nose at God while my heart snidely says, “See, I knew you weren’t good.”

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been on the hills of life, believing God.  I have to admit though, I limited my snuggle time with Him to only corporate experiences.  Yesterday a refrain kept singing in my ear; though the message came from different choirs, I couldn’t escape it’s message:  praise and worship precede breakthrough and opportunity.

I’ve complained long enough about getting my books published or having a speaking career.  When will the tipping point of my passion breakthrough to its promise?  Too busy sulking in the valley, I’ve neglected the refrain:  praise and worship God, even in the valley.

Typical of my experience, when I commit time to sit in the lap of God and listen, He speaks.  Enter in 1 Kings 20:22-28.  The King of Israel (Ahab) is at war with the King of Aram (Ben-Hedad).  King Ben decides he has an awesome chance to win this one and steal a second round of wealth and women.  In the midst of this often looked over story, this is the verse that arrested me, “The man of God came up and told the king of Israel, {although I felt as if he was saying it directly to me!} “This is what the Lord says: ‘Because the Arameans think the Lord is a god of the hills and not a god of the valleys, I will deliver this vast army into your hands and you will know that I am the Lord.’”

Who is your God?  Is He only a god of the hills--times are good, life is on the upswing, believing God is easy?  Or, is He also a god of your valleys—when there is loss:  of love, of income, of family, of promise?   Whatever is mustering in the valley of your life, keep your praise rising, because there will come a day when the opposition is delivered into your hands so that others will know He is the Lord—even in the valley.

Apathy in My Attic

I hate to admit this. It seems rather awful. I'm embarrassed to share it. Especially as someone who leads two Bible studies and has a desire to share Biblical truths with others on a large scale. If you were to call me I would encourage you to trust your faith. If you email and ask me to pray, I would. And yet lately I've avoided God. No, I have not committed some felonious sin – at least not the outward kind that Christians like to point their fingers at and pass judgment upon. Likely it is far worse: Apathy & Pride.

You see the last few Sunday's I haven't felt like going to church. On a scale of 1 to 10 my desire to sing, raise my hands and unleash my worship to God has been somewhere close to a two. In fact the last two Sundays I opted to work and show up late to church. I have gotten the elbow nudge from my husband more than a few times as I browse the social networking scene – under the guise of "trying to promote our church."

My distraction is more about my unsettledness with where I am in life.

Yesterday, I again arrived half way through the church service – just in time for the offering. I sat there calloused and thinking, "Why are some born into squalor and other into affluence? Why am I not making a higher income? Why aren't I on that three week cruise?" And then the unraveling occurred. My arms crossed, one leg tucked tightly under the other, eyes wandering and the vocalists started to sing, "I'm running . . .where Jesus is calling. . . He said his grace would cover me. .it would provide the healing. . . I'm running, I'm running, I'm running to the mercy seat."

Even before my body started to unfold itself, my soul was exiting its twisted helix. Moisture gathered in the corner of my eyes. I felt conviction over my apathy and pride. I desperately wanted to stretch myself over the mercy seat and beg forgiveness for judging others, and not being grateful for what I have already been entrusted with. And to be honest for being resentful towards God that certain promises have yet to be fulfilled. I was angry when the offering bag was passed and once again the elders prayed for breakthrough and prosperity. Where is this breakthrough?

I found myself after the music was over, paying attention to the message, feeling encouraged and desiring to draw near to God. Despite weeks of just showing up to church, I went forward during the prayer time, and instead of complaining to God I simply asked Him to change me. (Very dangerous prayer I might add, but I was in the moment and went with it.) I need God to help me take captive my thought life. The apathy in the attic of my subconscious are due to the conscious thoughts I allow to infiltrate it. To feel better I employ a bit (or a lot) of pride – elevating myself above others. So far that method hasn't worked so well.

Have you allowed apathy to take residence in the attic of your mind, and taken the pride pill to make you "feel better?" Hey, I'm not writing this to judge you. I'm just sharing my own experience. With the melody and lyrics of a song, I was undone in my soul: mind (what I think about myself and my circumstances – how I interpret them), heart (how I feel about myself and my circumstances) will (how I choose to act/behave in response to how I feel and think about myself and my circumstances.) Thank God today is a new day and despite my apathy and arrogance towards God, there is Mercy.

Something About Mary

As you know it was my birthday last week.  I contemplated throwing myself a party, but realized I didn't want all the fanfare - I just really wanted some time with significant relationships.  I made a mental list of those in my life who I would really enjoy spending time with.  Some were out of the question (I can't bring my dad back from the afterlife) and some seemed unrealistic - time/distance/finances - separate us.  However, one gift I received was an email from a friend I hadn't seen in 16 years:  Mary Brown Royal.

Back in the Palm Beach Atlantic College days, Mary and I would hang out together.  She had an extraordinary personality:  charasmatic, honest, funny.  I always felt taller when she was around because the manner in which she valued others caused us to poise ourselves as the person we were becoming, not the persons we were in that moment.  Mary was the kind of friend who not only peeled back her heart to reveal her own strengths and weaknesses, but in her subtle game of operation through words of truth, lasered in on my best qualities, and with Hepburn grace burned out the not so great.

We met at the ungodly hour of 7:30 am, while the rest of West Palm was still asleep on an overcast day.  She asked if I "wanted to get coffee," but when we placed our order at Panera she admitted, "I just wanted to sound cool, I don't even like coffee."  We both laughed.  After 16 years of not having seen one another our conversation picked up somewhere in the middle of where we left off years before. 

It meant so much to me to have that hour and 13 minutes right before she rushed off to join Jerry and facilitate the remainder of the Marriage conference they were leading.  Being in her presence made me feel special.  It made me wonder if I am that kind of friend.  Do I make you feel valued and important when we are together?  Do I listen to what your heart is saying even if your lips betray it?  Do I season my words with both truth and grace or simply sputter plattitudes to make you like me better?  Do I, like Mary, enjoy you for who you are in the moment - regardless of what circumstances have dressed you up like for the day? 

You see Mary has this unique gift of being in the moment with you, making you feel like you are the most important person on the planet.  Like me, she enjoys those one on one conversations (me over coffee and she over Coke).  Together we shared pictures and memories.  We swapped marriage wounds and wonders.  We hugged and laughed.  We both looked exactly the same - maybe because we were looking at each other's heart, not just our shifting weight. 

Thanks my dear friend, there really is Something About Mary!