Jennifer Fonseca | Transforming Your Relationships

Switching to Plan B

Yesterday I was motivated. I had a plan. Of course I didn't calculate into my day the 4AM wake up by my rescue dog. So instead of waking up at 6 AM to be at the gym by 7:00 and then off to Panera Bread to write and send a blog post by 9 AM, here I am at 10:21 trying to reorganize my carefully planned out day. I had errands I needed to run:

Office Max – get packing tape and search for a box to mail the enormous book I sold on eBay (Yea! My first item.)

Post office – express mail documents for my employer; mail the book I sold on eBay

Blog – write a post, start a new blog on WordPress

Edit, Edit, Edit & Write – stick with the plan and priority of getting my book published. Only 20,000 words to go!

Panera Bread – get breakfast, enjoy a fantastic cup of bold coffee, check emails, write those query letters to literary agents.

Friends – text Wendy and see if she can meet you at Panera to work alongside you for motivation and friendship catching up!

Costco – pick up smoked salmon for spousal unit and find a pair of tennis shoes that don't have holes in them so I don't look ridiculous at the gym.

Gym – yes, get there and work my booty off, or at least get some cardio and weight lifting done.

Turns out my dog is sick, with who knows what, but symptoms of vomiting and yellow/green mucus coming out of her eyes. My husband says, "And you want kids?" I'll admit, I do kind of enjoy their needy-ness when they don't feel well. I love snuggle time with my dogs. However, today, that was not in the plan.

The agenda was carefully laid out in my head. I even got my husband to agree to make his own breakfast. At quarter to seven this morning, I was still in bed. I thought it out. . .do I really need to go to the gym? What can I drop of the balls I need to juggle today? Can I still fit it all in my day?

I wasn't really happy about having to change over to Plan B. I really liked my Plan A, especially since it takes a lot of effort for me to plan anything in the first place. But here's what I learned:

• Rigidity doesn't solve problems, it only makes them worse.
• Plan B isn't worse than Plan A – it is just different.
• My dad was right: life isn't fair.

So here I go with my Plan B. If I get angry or frustrated over the foiling of my well laid out plans of yesterday, I waste precious time and energy. So I accept that life is subject to change, remain flexible and see if maybe what today holds for me is really better than what I could came up with in the first place.

In her heart a woman plans her course, but the Lord determines her steps! (Proverbs 16:9)

Heart Broken

I will admit it. I watched it. I watched all of it. I even cried through it.  Some sappy chick flick? No.  I sat through Whitney Houston’s funeral. Along with millions of other fans around the world, my TV tuned in to celebrate her home going.

I know some say, what a waste. Others blame Bobby Brown. We all have opinions.

I sobbed like a baby.  God’s presence was tangible at her service.  I could feel Him in my living room as family and friends said their peace and paid tribute to this amazingly talented woman.  What caught me off guard was the still small voice of God speaking to me.  He said, “I couldn’t have loved her any more than I did.”

For those not accustomed to hearing from God—it was not a loud, audible voice—it was a whisper in the conscious thoughts of my mind, which I know I did not produce.  My heart was breaking because I grew up on her music.  She had magnificent talent.  In my 30’s and 40’s I watched bunches of American Idol contestants attempt to sing her songs, only to have the judges remind them, no one can sing it as well as Whitney.

She was iconic.  Again the voice, “I couldn’t love her anymore than I did.”  Person after person testified to Whitney’s love of God and the Word of God.  I could (and as I type this still can) feel the tightness in my chest thinking how awful addiction is.  It lies to us, telling us it’s lie is more true than God’s truth. I was angry. How had the words this pop star read in the Bible and quoted often to her friends (their testimony, not my assumption) not rooted itself enough to displace the lies, deception and destruction of addiction?

And yet, God loved this woman with all that He had.  Then His voice spoke to me again saying, “My heart breaks over things like this.” I paused in my Spirit and asked God, “What do I do that breaks your heart?” 

We can all look at Whitney Houston and in a cavalier fashion say, she should have made better choices, she shouldn’t have done this or that. . .but it is not for us to judge.  We are each accountable for our own actions. 

For me, watching her funeral I came to three conclusions:

1.  God loves each of us with a force and passion greater than we can comprehend.
2. God loves us with the same intensity, even in the midst of our greatest mistakes.
3. God’s heart breaks when we have trouble allowing His Truth to be truer than the things which bind and blind us.

My resolve: To practice receiving God’s immense love for me and to more exhaustively examine my own heart and ways, knowing that every day I too break His heart.

Water to My Soul

Ever feel like you are a plant wanting to be green and tall, but feeling brownish in the dry soil of your life?  Every once in a while you enjoy a nice sprinkle and soak up all the nourishment.   Yesterday I enjoyed some watering of my own soul.

I’m up in my home state of Ohio, on a quick trip to surprise my sister for her 40^th birthday.  Not wanting to ruin the surprise and arriving a day earlier than the party, I stayed with some friends.  Wow!  So good to see Matt and Angie (and Nathan & Jay).  Ang and I embraced and began our verbal marathon together.  Of course Nathan said, “Do you guys always talk so much?”  LOL, “YES!” we replied in unison. 

We gushed over losses, caught up on stories and talked about what God was doing and saying in our lives.  It was refreshing to listen to Angie shower words of life into me.  Matt would pop in once in a while to ask questions or challenge me on my beliefs.  I need friends like this in my life.  Ones that won’t always agree with me.  Those who are willing to challenge me on my values and decisions.  People who will reserve judgment, yet offer warnings when I veer across the solid yellow line. 

Then it was my turn.  Angie shared about a painful situation she is going through.  I offered advice and then remembered what my dear friend Sandy, founder of Women at Rest Ministries counseled me once,  “Women can share, vent or gossip about their problems, but I don’t have the answer to their problems, but I know the One who does.”  So I opted to stop offering platitudes, theories and conciliatory responses and instead offered to just pray for her and this situation.  It was a sweet time and the tears were water to both our souls.  The situation didn’t change – we are both in the same pot we were in before, but our roots went a little deeper and got the hydration we both needed.  Thanks Ang!

Progress Not Perfection

Sometimes I love the idea of blogging better than blogging.  As a result I don’t make the time to sit and type out my thoughts and ideas.  I actually really enjoy writing, but for some reason have not made it a priority to set aside time to do this.  I miss conversing with you about our lives and the things we struggle with. 

Forgive me for not being consistent.  I seem to be consistently inconsistent—a total character flaw of mine I continue to work through.  When I examine myself and ask, “why am I like this?”  I realize it is because I allow perfection to be an obstacle to my progress.

I’ll give you an example:  I decided I wanted to start a discussion group with college/career age women.  Ideas were pin balling around my mind.  Really good ideas.  I thought I’ll start with a java with jen session:  coffee, made from scratch breakfast treats (scones, quiche, muffins, biscotti), fruit. . .the whole works.  Of course before I even hit the grocery store my mind was exhausted thinking about baking all these goodies, let alone decorating and cleaning my house.  Then there was the invitation; I wanted something clever and cute.  Again, more time was eating away at my schedule. 

Since I could not find a way to make a Martha Stewart proud gathering come together, I simply did not have one at all.  My perfection stopped my progress in my tracks.  BUT, I caught myself.  So, instead, I sent a few last minute text messages.  Picked up goodies courtesy of Publix, and set up my own shabby chic spread.  Out of the 12 girls I invited over only two came.  Was it a flop?  Nope!  It was progress.

Activity generates momentum.  It was a small step toward greater things.  In fact, despite wanting to make perfectly cute invitations to the next event (a free etiquette seminar by Jacqueline Whitmore http://etiquetteexpert.com/) I opted for paper print outs with a handwritten RSVP.  So far I have four confirmed coming—that is double the number of my first event.  Okay, so I started with two and now I have four; the point is I started!

So tell me, what are you doing to achieve progress instead of perfection?

 

 

Take Time to Listen

I decided today I am going to listen more.  Everyday we hear things:  crying children, whining children, honking horns, blowing wind through palm leaves (hey, I live in Florida!), the grinding little noise our 116k mile car makes (and which we try to ignore), rumbling mufflers from wannabe race car drivers, screeching grocery carts. . .and so many more daily sounds.  We hear these sounds so frequently we begin to tune them out and allow them to blend into ambient noise. 

 But hearing and listening are two different things.  I read in Luke 8 today about listening, and it was in there more than one time.  I started to pay attention.  Then I began to question:

 Do I listen?

Do I listen to the meaning behind the words of people who are crying out for love or help?

Do I listen to the daily messages that God sends me in unassuming ways?

 To be honest I was a little nervous.  I wouldn’t want to miss the BIG message because it was sent in a soft, small way.  The message may not be a life changing tipping point; however, it could be the gentle reminder we are loved and valued. 

 So today, I am going to open my ears, hear the sounds and listen for whatever message is out there for me.  Are your ears open?  Are you willing to listen?

Something About Mary

As you know it was my birthday last week.  I contemplated throwing myself a party, but realized I didn't want all the fanfare - I just really wanted some time with significant relationships.  I made a mental list of those in my life who I would really enjoy spending time with.  Some were out of the question (I can't bring my dad back from the afterlife) and some seemed unrealistic - time/distance/finances - separate us.  However, one gift I received was an email from a friend I hadn't seen in 16 years:  Mary Brown Royal.

Back in the Palm Beach Atlantic College days, Mary and I would hang out together.  She had an extraordinary personality:  charasmatic, honest, funny.  I always felt taller when she was around because the manner in which she valued others caused us to poise ourselves as the person we were becoming, not the persons we were in that moment.  Mary was the kind of friend who not only peeled back her heart to reveal her own strengths and weaknesses, but in her subtle game of operation through words of truth, lasered in on my best qualities, and with Hepburn grace burned out the not so great.

We met at the ungodly hour of 7:30 am, while the rest of West Palm was still asleep on an overcast day.  She asked if I "wanted to get coffee," but when we placed our order at Panera she admitted, "I just wanted to sound cool, I don't even like coffee."  We both laughed.  After 16 years of not having seen one another our conversation picked up somewhere in the middle of where we left off years before. 

It meant so much to me to have that hour and 13 minutes right before she rushed off to join Jerry and facilitate the remainder of the Marriage conference they were leading.  Being in her presence made me feel special.  It made me wonder if I am that kind of friend.  Do I make you feel valued and important when we are together?  Do I listen to what your heart is saying even if your lips betray it?  Do I season my words with both truth and grace or simply sputter plattitudes to make you like me better?  Do I, like Mary, enjoy you for who you are in the moment - regardless of what circumstances have dressed you up like for the day? 

You see Mary has this unique gift of being in the moment with you, making you feel like you are the most important person on the planet.  Like me, she enjoys those one on one conversations (me over coffee and she over Coke).  Together we shared pictures and memories.  We swapped marriage wounds and wonders.  We hugged and laughed.  We both looked exactly the same - maybe because we were looking at each other's heart, not just our shifting weight. 

Thanks my dear friend, there really is Something About Mary!