So today for the millionth time I heard, "you really should try to avoid sugar." I am currently in the state of denial regarding my addiction. Disease? Unmanageable life? Sure I don't like the migraine-like headaches I get that start on the right side of my lower neck travelling upward and out of my right eyeball. Sure there have been days and nights where the pain is so unmanageable Joseph's Classic Market has to do the cooking and spousal unit has to walk the four legged children. Despite cognitively knowing these things I refuse to admit the connection between my sugar intake and its effect on my physical health.
So this is what it must be like for alcoholics. The buzz you get from one's drug of choice keeps you going back for more despite any negative consequences. Like the best of them I justify my dark chocolate: it has flavanoids (do I even know what those are?) and less sugar than milk chocolate. I want to believe those studies; you know the ones that say something like "one glass of red wine a day can give you better heart health." Anything that remotely speaks of a health benefit to justify my chocolate and other sugary treat cravings is added to my mental file for future use. One small problem: I still get massive aches lasting for 12 or more hours.
As many times as I have been told to avoid sugar, I still opt to peek at the dessert menu. I've gotten very good at justifying this addiction. To show my undying love for my husband I speak his love language: ice cream. With the two-for's at the grocery lately I walk out with one flavor for him and one for me. The creamy coolness with golden swirls lingers on my tongue and I want more. Still a few days later my right eyeball screams and I forget the devil disguises herself as light.
The doctor told me to stick to the dietary plan and I should see a positive result. Later in the day I shared this with a friend. He gave me some solid advice on what to eat and what to "kick to the curb." (Check out www.kilboa.com) Having just arrived home from his Tae Kwon Do class, I splurted out this bit of news with my spousal unit only to hear, "How many times have I told you this? You don't listen to your husband. You will listen to someone else, but not me." Of course not! As I was still on the phone with a mutual friend of ours, he interjected with this comment: "It's not me. Tell him it's not him. It's kind of like when someone tries to evangelize another person. They may hear about Jesus ten times before they get it. It's not necessarily about who is saying it, but the cumulative effect of having heard it so many times from so many people." Now that makes sense.
How many times do we need to hear about various issues in our lives before we concede that perhaps there is a modicum of truth in the refrain we are hearing? It may be about an addiction. It may be about our anger, our eating habits, our excessive exercise or lack thereof. Maybe it is an abrasive approach we have when dealing with others. For me today it was about sugar. Yesterday it was about my shutting down and withdrawing when my feelings are hurt. Today for the millionth time I heard "avoid sugar." For now I will admit I am out of control with it, and having it makes my life unmanageable. Today I will listen to the refrain and choose a celery stick with almond butter (it's not so bad).
It gives me hope that although my mouth is saying "feed me that brownie, hey, want pancakes with syrup tomorrow?" I can choose to resist. Why? Because it wasn't an instant revelation. It was the cumulative effect of a number of people – some random, some sought out for their expertise, some friends – who chose to tell me the truth as any times as it takes for me to learn their sweet melody and begin to sing it for myself. Honey, I love you. I do value your input. It isn't about you. I do listen. I just need the accumulation of people telling me the same message over and over again to fill up the reservoir of my current belief system until I have heard it enough times to displace my faulty beliefs. . . It might take me a million and one times to "get it" and make it stick, and that is okay with me.
