I hate to admit this. It seems rather awful. I'm embarrassed to share it. Especially as someone who leads two Bible studies and has a desire to share Biblical truths with others on a large scale. If you were to call me I would encourage you to trust your faith. If you email and ask me to pray, I would. And yet lately I've avoided God. No, I have not committed some felonious sin – at least not the outward kind that Christians like to point their fingers at and pass judgment upon. Likely it is far worse: Apathy & Pride.
You see the last few Sunday's I haven't felt like going to church. On a scale of 1 to 10 my desire to sing, raise my hands and unleash my worship to God has been somewhere close to a two. In fact the last two Sundays I opted to work and show up late to church. I have gotten the elbow nudge from my husband more than a few times as I browse the social networking scene – under the guise of "trying to promote our church."
My distraction is more about my unsettledness with where I am in life.
Yesterday, I again arrived half way through the church service – just in time for the offering. I sat there calloused and thinking, "Why are some born into squalor and other into affluence? Why am I not making a higher income? Why aren't I on that three week cruise?" And then the unraveling occurred. My arms crossed, one leg tucked tightly under the other, eyes wandering and the vocalists started to sing, "I'm running . . .where Jesus is calling. . . He said his grace would cover me. .it would provide the healing. . . I'm running, I'm running, I'm running to the mercy seat."
Even before my body started to unfold itself, my soul was exiting its twisted helix. Moisture gathered in the corner of my eyes. I felt conviction over my apathy and pride. I desperately wanted to stretch myself over the mercy seat and beg forgiveness for judging others, and not being grateful for what I have already been entrusted with. And to be honest for being resentful towards God that certain promises have yet to be fulfilled. I was angry when the offering bag was passed and once again the elders prayed for breakthrough and prosperity. Where is this breakthrough?
I found myself after the music was over, paying attention to the message, feeling encouraged and desiring to draw near to God. Despite weeks of just showing up to church, I went forward during the prayer time, and instead of complaining to God I simply asked Him to change me. (Very dangerous prayer I might add, but I was in the moment and went with it.) I need God to help me take captive my thought life. The apathy in the attic of my subconscious are due to the conscious thoughts I allow to infiltrate it. To feel better I employ a bit (or a lot) of pride – elevating myself above others. So far that method hasn't worked so well.
Have you allowed apathy to take residence in the attic of your mind, and taken the pride pill to make you "feel better?" Hey, I'm not writing this to judge you. I'm just sharing my own experience. With the melody and lyrics of a song, I was undone in my soul: mind (what I think about myself and my circumstances – how I interpret them), heart (how I feel about myself and my circumstances) will (how I choose to act/behave in response to how I feel and think about myself and my circumstances.) Thank God today is a new day and despite my apathy and arrogance towards God, there is Mercy.